Adoption Education Day #1

Phew! What a week! This historic election has been so thought-provoking, engaging, and emotional for me. I've been so proud to be an American this week, and anyone who has not felt so, has not been around young children this week. I've said it before and I'll say it again, we don't give the children of this country enough credit. The conversations I've had with my fifth graders this week (and no, I don't discuss my political views with them) have reminded me why I'm a teacher.

So the week is ending with Jon and I attending our state-required adoptive parent training days. I have so many thoughts to get out, I am just going to spill them. Sorry for the length and disorganization!

1. The day started with a discussion of the legal process. We're further along than most of the other couples (there's one other couple from Madison who just started their wait, too . . . also victims of the fire!) so we had already heard most of this info. But we did get a good long overview of birth fathers--alleged birth fathers, presumed birth fathers, and unknown birth fathers. Yikes. We also met a woman who provides "Bridge Care" for the newborns who do not go home from the hospital with the adoptive parents. I had been feeling very anxious about this--thinking we want complete control over all decisions regarding the baby. But the bottom line is, we might not get a choice. The judge may decide that the birth mom needs more time, and may court order Bridge Care. We're going to have to see how things pan out. If we don't get to bring our baby home right away, we'll get through it. These Bridge Care-givers are loving, nurturing, and not at all like typical "foster home" situations.

2. Positive Adoption Terminology. I post these here so WE remember. I honestly didn't know some of these.

Instead of . . . "Put up her baby for adoption" Say . . . "Made an adoption plan."
Instead of . . . "Kept her baby." Say . . ."Decided to parent."
Instead of . . . "My/their adopted child." Say . . . "My/their child" ("Adopted" is negative when it is not necessary to the sentence.)
Instead of . . . "Own child" . . . Say . . . "Child."
Instead of . . . "Birth mother" . . . Say . . . "Expectant Parent" ("birth mother can be used after the birth, but until then, she's an expectant mother.
Instead of "Real parents" . . . Say . . ."Biological parents"
3. We had a very long session on bonding and attachment. One would think this isn't be a big issue for a newborn adoption, but there are some things to consider. The first thing they told is to prepare our friends and relatives now because we're going to be asked to do things that may go against conventional practice. This is a different ball game. The doctor presenting gave a fascinating presentation on brain development and how humans attach to their caregivers. Here's her advice:

-Respond to ALL cries. You can't spoil a young baby. We're not growing this baby in utero, so we need to connect through trust and touch. Wow, I didn't know what to do with this . . . I always thought a little "Crying it out" taught babies how to self-soothe. So I asked the question. Doctor said, teach self-soothing after 5-6 months. As a newborn, you need to respond every time. I can deal with that, but I also believe in a routine of Eat-Activity-Sleep and other routines to help give some security. I'm sure Jon and I will want to keep our sanity!
-Hold the baby, "wear" the baby, be near the baby as much as possible. No problem there. Baby isn't sleeping with us, but we have a Bjorn and a Moby Wrap!
-"Over-talk" to your baby, while watching for over-stimulation. I think the point of this is to get the baby used to your voice.
-Limit the number of people who hold the baby. Well, good advice for any new baby I'd say. Purell!

3. Our favorite part of the day was at the very end when a panel of couples arrived with their newly adopted babies. I swear, I got teary the minute they all walked in! (Cue Jon's giggles) The craziest thing is that every one of the babies looked JUST like his or her parents. What a trip!

Baby Sodi's (adoptive) mother is Caucasian and her father is Hmong. They started their home study in January '07, and finished their home study in August '07 (took a long time to complete paperwork.) In January '08, they got THE CALL. Birth mom is Hmong, and birth dad is Caucasian. Baby was born in May. Mom changed her mind, took the baby home, and a week later decided she couldn't parent. The baby was in bridge care for 5 weeks, and is now 5 months old. These people were so sweet--Mom cried the whole time.

Baby Chase's parents did their home study in the summer of '07. They were matched 2 months later. The baby was born in March, and went into bridge care. At the termination of parental rights hearing (3 weeks later), the mother admitted that she wasn't sure about the baby's father. Hearing delayed, baby stayed in B.C. She named two possible men. DNA showed that neither was the father. The third possibility was a guy from a one-night stand, so public notice was served. He didn't come forward, and the hearing was finally held 4 weeks later. The baby was placed with them when he was 7 weeks old. His finalization was last week and was a huge celebration with his whole family. This little guy is precious--so happy, and bald, just like his father. Truly--same coloring, same hair line! We loved that kid!

Baby Layla is 7 weeks old. These people finished their home study in August '07. In August '08, their social worker called to tell them that they had to renew ($$) their home study because it had been a year. Two days later, they were matched (didn't have to renew home study after all.) Her birth mother had the adoptive parents involved from the get-go, and they were there for the birth. At the hospital, the birth mom started to waver. Birth mom's parents told her that they'd offer no support. Nevertheless, she took the baby home and decided to parent. These adoptive parents were heartbroken. A week later, the birth mother decided it was too much, too hard, and she wanted to finish school. Termination hearing was last week. Again, a beautiful, sweet little baby.

All three of these couples had a rough ride. But every single one said it was the best experience of their lives, and they'd go through it all again in a heartbeat. It also struck me that one year ago, all of them were waiting for a match. And today, they are all holding their babies. Oh not a dry eye!

Phew! I'll try to keep tomorrow's entry shorter!