Adoption Education Day # 2

We arrived for day #2 fully caffeinated and ready to roll. Alice, our social worker, was the first person we saw this morning. It was good to see her as she's always a comforting presence. It didn't take Jon long to ask her if our profile had been checked out yet! I died, as I thought we had agreed to not know!! She replied that she didn't know, but she hadn't checked the updates this week. She did have this comment, "My gut feeling is that the first time your book is checked out, you'll be matched." A comment that I'll now obsess over . . .

Highlights from the day . . .

The first session was about transracial(meaning Caucasians adopting black child) and transcultural issues in adoption. We're not pursuing a transracial/cultural adoption, but the social worker made the point that often babies in the domestic program have varied ethnic backgrounds. Race issues can be difficult for adoptive children because they are dealing with two big whammies--#1, being adopted, #2--being a different ethnicity from their family. Their best suggestion is to have many other adults (dentist, teachers, scout leaders) of the same race, as role models. Being around other kids of the same race is great, but the important thing is to have someone to look up to who looks like you. This is a difficult issue to discuss, but one I believe prospective parents should take seriously.

Session two was about open adoption. This was a beneficial discussion because it helped to alleviate some of our concerns about how to talk to our child about their adoption, and how to navigate a relationship with the birth mom. One of our close relatives has expressed concern that one day the birth mom may come back and try to get the child. Or, we may be taken advantage of if she knows our name/address. Truth is, this is not a concern. If we take the facts out of the equation, and consider that these birth moms are human beings, it is easier to remember that ALL mothers love their babies. Even moms making adoption plans want to keep their babies. But something inside them tells them that they cannot parent them. At that point, and those women, will make the adoption plan. Sounds like a pretty incredible person to me.

After lunch we had a really interesting discussion about grief and loss in adoption. The overall theme is that "Adoption is born of grief and loss." And all members of the adoption triad (child, adopting parents and birth parents) have experienced loss. The child will lose his/her biological roots, extended family, ties to heritage, and the safe feeling of knowing why he/she looks/acts/feels a certain way. We, the adoptive parents, have lost the experience of having a biological child. We're missing out on the joys of pregnancy, and sharing the time before a child arrives with our family and friends. We'll also lose giving birth, and "seeing" our child in our spouse. The birth parents are losing time (life is on hold), innocence, relationships, and most importantly, their child. Of course, with the loss, comes incredible gains.

With that understanding, we will be better prepared to deal with the birth mom's loss--and we will have to deal with it. I'm aware that the emotions associated with childbirth are beyond my comprehension. It does help to know that our birth mom is probably going to be very overwhelmed after that baby is born. She may change her mind, or she may need time (maybe days) alone with the baby to think and/or, say goodbye. I now see that this is nothing to be scared of, but is in fact, humane. Adoptive parents often say that they grow to deeply love their child's birth mom. They grow to genuinely care about her. I hope we have that experience.

Years from now, we'll also be prepared to handle our child's questions. I think it must be a struggle to be open about the adoption, without making the adoption define the child. Our job is to make certain that we (and his/her grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc) answer questions positively. We will be talking to those we love about HOW to answer these questions--because they are going to come. It will be common for us to speak of the birth parents in endearing ways . . . "Your eyes are so pretty, I wonder if your eyes are like Suzy's?" We will correct any misconceptions--and honestly, details about the birth mom's health/history are going to be kept private. And to answer the question, "Why didn't my birth mom want me?", we will say, "She DID want you, but she also loved you so much, she knew that she wasn't able to give you the home and family that dad and I can." We also learned not to put off questions when they come. If we do this, we'll make the situation seem shameful. There is going to be a frame in the baby's room for a picture of the birth mom. We may also do a Lifebook, which will have the story of the adoption. We hope that everyone will love every part of our child.

The day ended with a woman named Pat who placed her son for adoption back in 1985. She was 20, and a small town farm girl from Iowa with a huge family and traditional values. After a poor choice one night, she found herself pregnant, but ready to be a mom. Over the course of her pregnancy, she lost her job (she actually had her own printing company) and the baby's father skipped town. Soon, she found herself talking to a social worker from Catholic Charities. With the support of her mother, Pat started to consider adoption. As she was considering this choice, she wanted to find information on the potential parents. But adoptions were closed back then, and she was given limited information. The social worker (who was eventually credited with starting "open" adoptions) began to "slip" her more and more information, and soon Pat felt great affection for a couple who had been on the waiting list for 10 years. After the birth, Pat spent three days in the hospital loving and bonding with her baby. She even faked a fainting spell to get another day with the baby. In the end, she did place him. Over the next year, the adoptive parents sent pictures and letters. Pat described what this meant to her, and how much it helped her heal. She talked about loving her son, and loving his parents for loving him. When her son was 12, he asked to meet her. She agreed, and since then, they've established a great relationship.

One of the key points she made was to remember that when a child leaves his birth mother, s/he also leaves behind a history--an extended family--grandparents, etc. And while that can be sad, it also brings the possibility of even more love into the child's life. She is a remarkable woman, and now an accomplished author and expert on early childhood education. She says she has not an ounce of regret, and only love for her son and his parents.

Jon and I processed the past two days as we drove home. We both agree that we feel better prepared for what will happen. Only God knows why we've been led down this path. I have faith that there's a reason.